you live by your choices-
so live by your choices.

my baby's the uncle of identical twin boys now.

Today's thanksgiving. I woke up to a beautiful day, some kind of light and breeze in the air, sunny but almost about to rain, "the autumn leaves" all around.
'tis autumn.
But yay, it's thanksgiving! I remember all the thanksgiving dinners I had, mostly with and through Deniz. All the good food and the warmth of what's foreign.
I'm at work in my thanksgiving dinner outfit. People comment. 'Your dress is wonderful'. I think what's wonderful is today. The day Jupiter steps into Sagittarius and the day I said to myself, 'embrace whatever is happening to you. It's happening to you for a reason. Be zen, like a falling stone, don't resist.' Thanksgiving day.
Thanks.

kendime

"Yine de 'ben' benim ve bunu seviyorum. Üc yil oncesi bana yabanci geliyor ama simdi, üc yil sonra da yadsinacak bir sey yok. Seni seviyorum Pelin, ve sen cok buyudun. Kendini cok iyi yetistirdin ama devam etmen gerekiyor. Kendini taniyorsun, insanlari da -sayilir-, en azindan durum eskisi kadar vahim degil. Ve yine kucuk bir cocuk gibisin, bu sefer buyumeye calismayan bir cocuk. Bu cok guzel cunku cocuklar buyumeye calisinca birer maskara oluyorlar. Artik oyle cocuklari sevmiyorum, hic sevmiyorum."
-journal entry, 29/11/96

"aşk bir tanedir. içinizdeki aşk tektir. başlar, kimi zaman uyur, kimi zaman uyanır. şimdiki aşkın varlığında öncekiler de yaşar, şimdikinin ateşiyle ötekiler de alevlenir tutuşur"
-semiha berksoy

one love, we get to share it

today ozlem and i went to the modern art museum, "istanbul modern". i was able pass as a student. that saved me enough money to buy an extra cappucino -short- at sbux.
they were featuring the venice biennial, and the only work i could actually enjoy was the video with the people pretending like they are dancing with someone in their arms or in somebody's arms. to "the look of love". it's interesting because ozlem had told me that was the one she liked the most out of my last gig's repertoire, and we went to the museum together, heard the song, listened in the dark and watched the video, all that.
sometimes i do that too. sting sings "until" and i waltz with my invisible lover. i used to imagine being so much in love with someone and waltzing to a perfect song, feeling the lyrics deep down. next time i dance with my imaginary lover, my partner will be doug, "my fiancé". and how much i am in love will be for real.
and i actually shopped at the museum gift shop.
with you it is so easy to find things around and recognize signs that say we are meant to be.

i have so many accounts and so many passwords. my brain must be showing special effort to keep all of them remembered.

aşk içinde yalan içinde
tek bir ayna binbir biçimde

friday evening

i am the only one who's left here. i reminded my boss of something we still need to do and he said, i'm sure you've got better things to do on a friday night. i feel like i don't. i can't think of any.

self-love

the only person who is going to love you just as you are, with the legs not long enough, one breast alarmingly smaller, with the little jealousies, quirkiness and obsessions, the nails that never seem to look perfect enough and the invisibly blond eyelashes, is you. if you expect other people to do this for you or before you, you're wasting your time.

roses

ordinary

what kind of a sunday is this? i left the apartment only to buy some bread and i haven't moved anywhere since then. crispy cold outside, the after-snow sun. winter's absolute arrival threw everything out of their array. namely, my wardrobe, outdoorsy sundays, migrating birds.
and the stupid translation project. how can you translate this: "ne yaptı kıçımın beslemesi ha? öptü mü kızı ha? çabuk söyle!" (no no no, i won't repeat in public what it says) how can you express pure turkish rural mentality that revolves around morality, sexual oppression, manlyhood, hierarchy, in another language and culture? i don't know the answer, i did the basics on the translation and left the finishing touches to Mark, my British friend who knows too much.
but the stir-fry i cooked last night is worth mentioning. ingredients; (in order of appearance) olive oil, diced garlic and onion, an apple and half a quince (chopped), broccolis, shredded fresh ginger root, pineapple juice and cashews. contrary to what some might think, it was delicious.
i want to close this static, sleepy and brooding chapter of my life.

"speak friend, and enter"