i want to be inspired by something. i'm losing. it's sliding. the summer and the heat is carving inside me leaving an empty shell like those mussels we consume.

iz

iz birakmak


izleri toplamak

bu marquez hikayelerindeki yapis yapis sicaklara benzedi. yakinda mucizevi tuhaf seyler olmaya da baslasa sasirmam.

bacaklarin kocaman olmustur ama hala cocuklugundaki gibi yattigin yerde tepiniyorsundur

"The Full Moon is a lens that magnifies our emotions and awareness. You can use it to focus your energies and intentions, but many folks will get caught up in the moment."

look to the sky

get over yourself

then and now

i guess when you're younger you think of love as people doing something for you, giving you what you want and what you think you need. and as you grow older it becomes more of a feeling that is close to worry and trying to control the other person for fear of losing, something akin to protection. maybe that's why parents and children perceive love in their own ways and these separate ways don't always go parallel with each other. when my parents were trying to protect me from possibly everything that may have happened to me and when they were showing enormous effort to make me the person in their belief is the best person i can be, i didn't feel loved. they probably didn't feel their love unless they worried something might happen to me and until i went away for college. and for me, someone who loved me was someone who bought me the things i wanted and took me to places i wanted to go, and when that didn't happen, i certainly felt a lack of love. apparently there was no lack of love, nowhere except maybe between my mom and her mom. but who could have figured it out back then, when everyone was so wrapped in their own ways? and what happens now?

happy friday

just like in the old (but not that old) days, we stopped at Sami's (Sami Ovadya, the coolest Jew in town) and talked about this and that (he deserves a great girl but doesn't mind being alone if the right person doesn't come along, which can't be true by the way. nobody willingly consents to ending up solo). i wanted to buy a CD and i don't know if he cared about selling me a CD. i ended up leaving his store with a good one. we shared a pizza at mezza luna and then went back to reasurans for turkish coffee&fortune telling. i told eylem she would meet the guy she will marry, and she told me there is plenty of 'judgement' in my fortune. as every friday, Ege was passing through after his workout. it gets fun when these things happen. the news on the block is that Uraz is back in town and is exactly the same person he was 4 years ago. it comes as a surprise to me that some people never change. i need change.
last night we ditched the boat party and escaped the boat before it was too late -before we were in the middle of bosphorus with judgemental turkish girls that look you up and down-. my lips were chocolate stained from the chocolate ice-cream and it became harder for him to take me seriously talking like that. he laughed. i told him to clean it, lick it, do something. he did.
we came home.
i came home.
sitting down with amy winehouse and robin thicke.

She removed your name from the speed dialler screen,
And now you don't exist check cos it's a girl thing

my mac the knife, the red rose in the water glass, summer air, the electronic parchment i roll down to get some work done, my accompanying thoughts about people, the past, the future, randy crawford, stinky garbage bin, 70+percent pure chocolate, my presence filling the apartment, the waiting for him to come, the life of its own of the cold, silent war.

summer

i was thinking how international this past year has been. yesterday we were having brunch at jon&sandra's (i'm thinking whether i should call them jondra) and this guy bret, whose name was familiar but whose face i did not remember from years ago was there with his romanian wife. there was also a swedish guy, a friend of jon's. i tried to count the international occasions through the year and was surprised at the intensity of traveling activity. even with me going to egypt and pacific northwest and eastern oregon, and doug moving in with me, i think the presence of jupiter in sagittarius has been properly felt. after all the swedish, british, american, egyptian, dutch, irish, moroccan people i met this year, who can come up to me and say astrology doesn't make sense? i'm not sure though. people say all kinds of things. anyway. yes, i liked how international this year has been. we have a few more months till joopie leaves home and i say let's make the best of it.
happy mercury retrograde by the way. it's already stirring things up for me, with lots of honesty but lots of misunderstanding too. don't know what to say, i guess we shall live and see.
and i can see i'm not as carefree as i have been in the past summers but i figured life needs some more effort on me side to make things happen the way they are supposed to. there can be no great history without great wars-
so let's face some fears.

incir agaclari, kocaman yapraklari ve yanlarindan gecerken gelen incir kokusu
biraz tozlu

atıcam kendimi

eylem ROCKED last night. she really did shine and i don't even want to think about how famous she could get if she was discovered.

D

what is there to say?

i can say that your eyes looked very blue at the table reflecting an after-rain sky
and you had to smile too many times to pass through language barriers and parental judgements
i can say i did want to sneak into your room at night but fell asleep
that i'll never forget how we just sat there with no clue on what to do next, approximately at 8:00a.m
and that it is a pleasant surprise how love can be an inherent part of a miserable bus ride
sleepless in (our) seattle

D

insan uzun zaman sonra buyudugu yere gidince geri donup orasiyla ilgili birseyler yazmak zorundaymis gibi hissediyor.
halbuki denizli ile ilgili hicbir sey hissetmedim,
sadece her gidisimde ayni mahrumiyet duygusunun nasil hic azalmadigini tekrar tekrar gordugumu dusundum. caddeler herhangi bir zevkten ya da estetik duygusundan mahrum. pamukkalenin eskiden yukseklerden dokulen sulari artik yok, birkac yeni havuz yapmislar golun yanina ama onlar da sudan mahrum. antik kentten eski sahipleri cekilmis. butun bunlarin yerine garip, kuru, fazla renkli, yanlis bir istila var. denizlispor, eflatun boyali mavi fayansli binalar, dev boyutlarda tabelalar.
neden orada her zaman bir huzursuzluk hissettigimi biraz aciklayan bir sey midir acaba bu.
denizli hic yetmez.

zaten insanlari da yetmesi icin ozel bir caba gostermezler. iste belki de onlara yetiyordur. evlerinde ve memleketlerinde olduklari insanlar olmak ve gelip gidenlere cok fazla ilgi ve alaka gostermemek, sadece dipdibe yasadiklari insanlarin ne soyleyeceklerini ne dusuneceklerini onlara neyi gostereceklerini neyi nasil soyleyeceklerini 'tasarlamak' onlara yetiyordur.
umarim bana hicbir zaman yetmez.

there could have been a "dear diary" moment this weekend but i had no time, and no energy left. we are happy and we saw hundreds of fireflies on saturday night.

burda bir yanlislik olmali. annem ya da teyzem gibi hissetmek icin cok genc oldugumu hissediyorum. ote yandan gecen sene oldugum insan olmak icin de cok yasliyim. yasima uygun bir yasam tarzi bulmam gerekli. ustume uygun bir elbise. her zaman sadece ne yapmak istiyorsam onu yaptim. yapmak istemediklerimi de bunun bedeli olarak kabul etmek sartiyla yaptim. simdi neyin ne oldugunu karistirdigimi hissediyorum. endiselenmek icin cok erken de olabilir. hayatini yasa da denebilir. ama ben zaten denedim. sizintiyi engelleyemiyorum. "ruhum catlaklarla dolu" kim demisti yillar once bunu?
yoksa ben mi?