What a transformation the Sun brings. [bird songs] [summer, love] [flower colors] set an intention and include the feeling too. it's not just words. highlight the feeling, not the words. intention equals the texture of your emotion as you conjure up the images and match them up with words. in- -tend. you tend to your inner world, inner experience. you cultivate an inner garden. and the flowers of your inner garden are your intentions that reflect in the real world.

I'm just a humble human But I am also a powerful soul powerhouse of a soul my body connected, protected, guided, loved so my soul can expand out and do what it's here to do. we have no excuse but to live fully. mind, body, soul.

Full moon 5 deg Leo

The lessons are both in the holding on and the letting go

Fountain

Think of yourself as a fountain. You can only bubble up and out if you stay in your center - and it's not even a center - an axis. An axis that goes through your body and connects the bottom of your feet to the top of your head. The ground and the sky are connected through your centeredness. There is a lot of information. There is not enough joy.

Meditating on sage smoke How it curls How it hastens and slows. A sip of coffee and a whiff of sage Cool morning warm breath. Just a morning in my body And how is it October already? What creased my brow and occupied my forehead was yesterday This peace is like a forgiving, forgetting slumber All the little darts and arrows I thought pierced me I take them out, I heal it all With a wave of my mind I turn them into sticky darts and I let them lose their grip See them all slide off I breathe into the spaces My body is un-pierced once again No pointy edges From now on.

new moon thoughts

9:28 a.m. Drill down into the single building blocks, the one single brick that makes up a life, that makes it whole and complete. Being thankful, feeling genuine gratitude for each and every component. Each healthy minute. You don't even have to say thank you. Just feel deeply grateful. A new and fresh look at life on the virgo new moon. Intention is when your heart and mind align. [heart: what your inner compass points to] [mind: what your conditioning accepts / is able to comprehend and visualize] Prayer is your heart's business. Goals are your mind's business. In meditation, what matters is coming back to your center. Your spinal axis. Dancing on a new moon hits differently. So I did just that. Tea smells better. Food tastes more delicious. "Perky" I hope it's the same for everyone today.

It's a slow realization but I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that my big "applause" moments are behind me, not necessarily my best days. But the loud, vocal, public approval moments that come when you hit youth milestones. The college acceptances, the graduations, the concerts, the wedddings, the births of your babies. Those moments will probably come from/through my kids, in time. And that's also amazing.

happiness

Meditation thought: "happiness is my birthright". Turns out I've been struggling to internalize this seemingly basic, fundamental belief. Recite, pause, and repeat. But then, comes gratitude. Add a dash of gratitude to happiness and then the feeling is grounded, ready to meet the world in its childlike excitement. With a fresh loaf of bread in the oven right here and right now, I invite Rumi to sum it all up: I know nothing better than gratitude which brings in its wake the daily bread and its increase.

childhood meditation

As a child I would frequently drape my body over the backside of a couch, hang upside down, look up and imagine the ceiling was the floor. The furniture-less, empty apartment was a blank canvas for me to bike and run around in my imagination. That was my way of carving some space just for me in a busy, crowded city. Now I know it was a type of meditation. Instead of closing my eyes, I stared at the ceiling and got lost in the whiteness.

brb, celebrating

Every moment is a reason for celebration. Therefore I'm too busy celebrating.

Breath - Light - Love

I followed the sparkle on the lake. I prayed for a few things; namely, breath - light - love. Then I walked home with a breeze in my face. Pools of light by my feet. I opened the front door to Lidya's welcoming hug. There: I have all three. [it's that old devil moon in capricorn perfectly in time for mercury peeking into pisces]

Meditation - removing blocks

They are there and I'm here. Seems everyone belongs in a couple, my parents for one. The need to believe I belong has lived in my since the dawn of [early childhood] time. We are together and then apart. All I wanted was to become one in soul, never part. There, you bumped into it - the wall. The block: "understanding we are separate yet we are all one." We come and go. We convene and separate. Like ripples from rain drops on a lake. We touch briefly and fade away. We don't mean to disappear, we just do. The blockage lifts when you taste acceptance like a croissant flake left behind on someone else's breakfast plate.

Snow II

the snow is falling down at a perfect pace. i can't quite pinpoint what memory it brings back - a frame from a cartoon? a christmas card? no idea. just peace. and coffee.

i cannot believe how fun and rich massachusetts is. i used to be so reluctant to come out here. even the cold -which hasn't actually been so unpleasant- is a new challenge and i like it. there is a visual texture here that is so familiar and enchanting. the architecture and the nature. the color of the sky and the surroundings just before it rains. the quaint little shops and the scenery that flows by when you take the train. i'm almost over my ex-fiance istanbul and past crush new york.

eczane

aft çıktığında mesela, eczaneye ilaç almaya gidersin, eczacı ilacı yarısaydam pembe bir kağıtla paketler, verirken de geçmiş olsun der. ve o an çok rahatlatıcı bir andır - eczacı derdini anlamış ve sana geçmiş olsun demiştir. iyileşme sanki o andan itibaren başlar.

Snow

Snow has always been a happy thing for me. And it's important and rare enough that when it snows, you get together with the neighbors and go to the forest where the snow is untouched, and throw snowballs and each other, and take pictures. In those pictures, your car is a white Renault. If you're a little older and it snows on a school day, you get together with some friends and skip school. You hit the forest again. This time, maybe not exactly to throw snowballs at each other but to go on a journey, an adventure. To feel independent but at the same time, part of a group. Part of an independent and adventurous group.

Boston has given me some snow, but not enough to make me feel the same joy I had felt in those years. Maybe it's because it's not a rare thing but something that just naturally happens when you live in a colder climate. Something else has happened, though. Part of me started to like the cold. That part of me got to like the challenge of surviving in really low temperatures. This is, of course, with me working from home and with a husband that drives me everywhere. But you know how sometimes you get a burst of excitement and joy? That you're capable, that you're alive, that you can make it anywhere? That's how I feel on the infrequent occasion that I'm out and about. Fancy that.

After the break

So, I'm back in Boston. It feels really good to be back. When I used to have gigs at Nardis or Kemanci, the first set would always be marked by a nervous, uptight feel. Then we would take a break and I would go down, walk around and talk to people. The second time around on the stage was always easier, as if I had a chance to leave my body and look at the whole thing from the outside and decided that it's going well. I got a similar feeling getting back here. I did the first set, took a break, and now I'm back for the second set. When you're in a flow, it's almost impossible stop it and distance yourself from it to get a perspective. A short break in the middle is essential in all games.

The list, my 30s and the Stuff

I did try to work on this particular entry on a Word document, you know, it would be easier and error-proof, I am a graduate student after all, and turning 30 in the process, I should have been able to do this in Word but I couldn't. I didn't know what to write. So I started over, here in Blogger's interface, to see what comes out of this one. And I still don't know if anything will. But bear with me. I, who has been writing things since, like, forever, should have something to say on my birthday of all days. But then I have stuff to do. Stuff always gets in the way. It's a classic.
But today, stuff may not get in the way. True, I had to wake up today, of all days, before 6 a.m. to register for a class. True, I couldn't register fully since I had to take a placement test. True, I did take the test -- I wrote an essay on a topic on which I didn't have much to say. What a responsible act to say hello to your 30s.
The rest of the day though, is mine.

How do you wrap up your 20s? How do you leave behind the only decade of your life that is A- not childish and highly dependent (birth to age 9), B- not overcome with growing pains (age 10 to 19) C- mostly fun and carefree, mostly lived to cross as many items as possible on the 'things to do before I turn 30' list? And the list is there for a reason. The list has a timeline. The list wants you to realize that 30 is the limit. My list, it didn't have any items to check off. It was more like a list you make as you go along: Meeting many great people- check. Speaking one foreign language well- check (Unchecked: more foreign languages). Singing, musical activities- check. Finding love of life- check. Getting married- check. Living in a foreign country- check. Seeing New York- check. Running a 15k race- check. Starting to acquire quality furniture- check. Starting grad school- check. There may even be more to my list. Or negative items can be added, boxes that I couldn't check off, and maybe that could be the stuff of a list of the 'things to do before I die.' As (believe it or not) there are only two lists and my time on the first one is up. Today, if stuff doesn't get in the way, I'm starting my second list, and as my birthday wish, I want plenty of time to work on that one.

The Secret Life of Printers

Today I had to 'regionalize' our printer. An hp rep walked me through the steps online, over a chat window. I discovered many functions that the regular buttons that we use for regular purposes perform when they are pressed in different combinations. He even made me double-click an HP logo while I held the ctrl key down to bring up a completely unique window where I entered secret numeric combinations that he gave me - a window that I had never seen before in my entire life. I just realized that there is a whole another world of key combinations and single- and double-clicks out there (or rather, in there in our computers) that serve purposes we don't even become aware of unless we bring a printer from Turkey and buy cartridges for it in the US. It's the secret life of printers and their secret affairs with computers.

everyone told me about the winter but it's still nice, and i still here cicadas loud and clear. i know i don't belong here in the way i belonged bogazici, but that feels like another lifetime anyway. i'm thinking of shiny fingers and successful people and what you leave behind and what you take with you. i can wear anything i want now. i would love to be a part of things. i just ate a really good cookie. i want to cook for my husband. i want to buy kilos of tomatoes and every fruit and vegetable that is in season and put them in my fridge, just to have them, just like we had them back home. seems like people are counting everything here. there's too much calculation, the tips, the taxes, the coupons, how many cans come out of this package? too bad the metric system is not employed here with all its decimal perks. the fall, the parks, the golden trees. they are 'winter trees'. i learned so much in primary school.
what's mine is yours.
so he came here and he talked about the writer and the reader and schiller and mann and kafka. these things would happen somewhere out there and i would watch them from my corner and i would think, wow. this is actually happening, though. this time, to me. but for the record, i would feel the same if he didn't have a nobel prize. the black book did it for me.

Here -and- now

Here's that day. I won't say here's that rainy day, because it's not a rainy day, but it's certainly a cozy day. This is the day when everything seems complete, I finally have a home base again that I can call my own and take care of, clean, decorate, enjoy. I have my honey tea and candle burning beside me, it's grey outside but warm to the eye and mind in here. I love those moments when the dust settles, you take a breath, look around and find that you are home. So here's to this cozy day.