nesting

first day in the new apartment. breakfast went really well, we love our new ikea table and the matching chairs, we actually love everything with weird swedish names. we had pancakes for dinner, just what we needed after all the hard work. i am feel-sorry-for-myself tired but can't seem to stop, mostly because i hate the mess, but it's also that i don't want to give up and let everything lie around for weeks. i have puritanist tendencies when it comes to building a nest. it's somewhat fun though, to assemble furniture and to organize, seeing things come together towards the end of the day.
if only i could make rohde work harder.


here are some first images from what started to look like a living room:

monday

it's the beginning of the last week of december. i walked into my office into a nice light through the venetian blinds and the room wasn't very well heated- which is OK in a weird way. people like to think they're not but i'm really invested in this place. it's more than what pays the bills. which are many at this point.

today's lesson

every time somebody's doing wrong to you, they're doing right to themselves, their families, their friends, someone.
it's a thought that gives me grounds for evaluating people's motives objectively and not solely on the basis that they were personally trying to hurt us, but at the same time i'm aware that it doesn't take us very far on its own.
need to mull this over.

sunday

come to think of it, i really love honey and olive oil and how they look in jars and bowls. the density and taste that their colors suggest. the promise of a great breakfast. i'm not really a cheese-lover though. i find all kinds of cheese very heavy for my taste, on many occasions. even white cheese.

i never thought i would find being on my own kind of dull, somewhat meaningless and de-energizing. i get a lot of stuff done but other than that i just sit around. it's like going to the gym and working out like crazy, and then not moving your finger for daily necessities. (and i do that too)

but i started journalling again, and that should be a plus. something that is hard to do when there is actually someone around to talk about the things you're writing about. at least sixty per cent of the time. the remaining portion is the laziness that takes over when you leave yourself to someone's arms. (yes, that's exactly the feeling)

now it's time to get myself together -here comes the saturnian call- and go see those apartments once again (apartment hunt, going pretty well), run the usual mile at the gym and meet my lovely old colleagues for a cup of coffee in bebek. should be fun.

honey

[a bowl of honey on a bluegrey cloudy/sunny day]

you're 28

...and your family's claim on your body continues. after all, they made you haven't they? from determining how much you should weigh to how intimate you should get, they pull invisible strings and it's called love.

Da Mario

here i am at damario for my 'birthday lunch' with deni and round midnight was playing as i walked in-- my destiny theme with jazz songs not surprising anymore but pleasant. this place is blissful in a way i can't even begin to explain. the black&white theme goes so well with the light that comes in through the many windows and the magnolia trees in the garden, and i look at the bosphorus as i sit. i can't help but wonder how i can absorb more. but then shouldn't i just live the moment?
yes.
--
for some reason i like italian restaurants a lot. that was a good lunch with deni. she looked beautiful and we had a good talk as always. we exchanged presents.
then i came home, changed into my running gear and headed out towards the waterfront and ran for a good 35 mins. my legs were so happy to get back to the routine we had to leave last weekend for the engagement party trip to denizli and all that followed later on.
i miss doug and his kisses on my face as a half-asleep me bid him farewell.

perspective and they can't take that away from me

The meaning of the song “they can’t take that away from me” was stranger to me until I graduated from college, after which I spent seasons and seasons of just going to Bogazici campus and admiring whatever guises nature took. It was one particular moonlit night that I was very frustrated with life, sitting on the garden wall at the Kennedy Lodge, that I finally figured out what the song was getting at. Nothing, and no one could take away the memories of the time I spent there. Even if I’m miles away one day, they were engraved in my memory like stone.
These days I go into Ucaksavar Sitesi when I run on weekdays and it reminds me of our first days in Superdorm. I remember how going to classes and coming back was such a big deal; when everything was a big deal. It was the end of fall, beginning of winter, like now, and the leaves and the trees looked exactly the same. I remember the refreshing smell of Suzanne’s shampoo right after she took a shower and went down to the computer lab to do e-mail check (never homework). I remember her flashcards and how she would take everything so seriously. I don’t know why it matters so much after all these years but it does. That’s the kind of thing they can’t take away from me.
And it seems like nothing strikes me quite as strong now. But the revenge of time is a dish best served cold. I’ve yet to see what floats and what sinks in reminiscence. Suz would say, in perspective. As much as I wonder what shape these days will take in perspective, the freshman days will still be the ones that shine the most. How do I know? Because I think ingénue has better memory.

we're lost in this masquerade

-this masquerade by the Carpenters

no one to give good news to

when we got out of the bus on the corner of our pension, the air was still, warm and heavy with the scent of jasmins. it was the closest thing i can ever associate with 'home', as familiar as a womb is to a baby.

style, always style

i wonder if you arrived safe and sound. i dreamt of myself giving birth last night. i'm not sure if after of before you left. it's weird. it must be because of rachel's birth. little emma :)

bebek

biz istanbul'a ilk geldigimizde bebek'te gidecek hicbir yer bulamazdik. okula ve superdorm'a cok yakindi, ve bizim icin cok yeni ve cok guzel bir yerdi, ama paramiz mi olmadigindandir nedir, bir turlu gidecek bir yer bulamazdik o soguk kis haftasonlarinda. bebek kahvesi vardi, o zamanlar simdikinden cok daha derme catmaydi, zaten hep mudavimleri takilirdi ve insan kendini dahil hissedemezdi bir turlu o 'komunite'ye, hala da oyledir benim icin. sanirim cats&dogs vardi ama biz ya orasinin pek farkinda degildik, ya da pahali oldugunu dusunup uzak duruyorduk. kestane diye ev yemeklerimsi seyler yapan bir yer vardi, simdi onun yerinde zeytinyagi satan bir dukkan var sanirim. orada bir kere yemistim, nedense cok davetkar bir yer degildi. kosede mcdonalds vardi, birkac kere yemistik de orda tabii, ama takdir edersiniz ki hayalimdeki sahil cafe'si degildi. newyorker ne zamandan beri ordaydi ne zaman acildi tam hatirlamiyorum. ama kapisinda menunun asili oldugunu ve birgun niyeti bozup gitmeye karar verdigimizi ama fiyatlari gorunce kapidan dondugumuzu cok iyi hatirliyorum. sena, gokhan ben. bir de iste bebek koru kahvesi vardi, ama bunlarin hicbiri bizim 1. sinif bogazici ogrencileri olarak gidip oturabilecegimiz yerler degildi. simdiki gibi starbucks'tir, gloria jeans'tir, boyle mekanlar tahayyul sinirlari icinde degildi. amacsizca dolasir dururduk sogukta. ne saskindik o zamanlar biz ya.

seeing you off at dusk

full moon at 7.52 a.m

we woke up really early in the morning, despite his late night with his poker buddies. we went downhill to the waterfront, ran, and watched the sun rise through the land across from us as we ran. we had coffee by the sea -i had coffee he had orange juice- and then i ran some more. "i am training for the istanbul marathon tomorrow." here i am sitting writing after a nice warm shower. we were awake and running by the water as the universe aligned the past, present and the future. seriously, you all were sleeping while you should have been envisioning your resolutions. haha.

pamukkale, aile havuzlari

cok eskiden, yaza denk gelen pazar gunlerinde (ben her ne kadar erkenden gitmek istesem de hazirliklar bir turlu bitmediginden) ogleden sonraya dogru belediye tesislerinin 'aile havuzlarina' giderdik. bunlar dort duvar arasinda, pamukkale suyuyla dolu ve ailelere tahsis edilmis dikdortgen minik havuzlardi, ve yer bulmak o kadar da kolay degildi. babam once bir telefon ederdi, benim zar zor oldugunu dusundugum ya da oyle dusunmek istedigim bir sekilde yer ayirtirdi. o anda sevincime ragmen (aile havuzuna gidiyoruz!!) nedense benim icime baska bir aileyle de havuzumuzu paylasmak zorunda kalacagimiz korkusu duserdi. anneanneme telefon edilir, annem sanki daha karar verilmemis gibi 'cocuklar gitmek istiyorlar' diye agir agir anlatirdi, halbuki yerimiz bile ayirtilmisti, diye dusunurdum, anneannem kurabiyelerini hazirlamaya baslardi; birileri aranir onlar da davet edilirdi. evin icinde telasla dolasilir, 'anne, bikinimin ustu nerde' gibi sorular sorulurdu. tek alinmasi gereken mayo ve havlu iken, sanki o alinmasi gerekenler bir turlu bitmezdi. tabi, eger bikinini icine giymissen ve ic camasirini almayi unutursan -ki bu sik yasanan bir vakaydi diye hatirliyorum- o zaman donus yolunda tam kurumamis ve hala biraz soguk olan poponun sortuna degmesi tuhaf bir his yaratirdi ki, bu hisse ve eve donsuz donuyor olmanin utancina katlanmak zorundaydin. artik yilina gore renault ya da sahin ya da dogan arabamiza binip havuzlara geldigimizde ve en sonunda o demir kapi kapanip, dunyanin geri kalani disarida kalip da, bizim dunyamiz o dort duvar arasindaki havuz oldugunda, birden cok rahatlar, bikinim icimde degilse yerleri beton ve soguk olan soyunma odasina girer, bir an once uzerimi degisirdim. sonra nedense havuza hic atlamaz, travertenden olan ya da oyle gorunen ama sadece beyaz bir kirecten ibaret olan merdivenlerden inerek girerdim. eger kuzenlerimin bebekligine rastlamis bir aile havuzu sefasi ise bu, cemos kucagimda, bu mutlu aile ogleden sonrasinin tadini cikarirdim. boyumuz genelde yettigi icin ya da havuzun kenarlarinda merdivenler oldugu icin -bir tanesinin korkulugu da vardi- suda birbirimizi kucaklama oyunlari oynar, ben annemi, gulin beni kucaklarken fotograflar cektirirdik. atmosfer ortaminda asla yapamayacagimiz bu hareket hepimizi cok eglendirirdi. gun ilerledikce duvarlar gunesi engellemeye baslar, havuzun once yarisi, sonra belli bir kosesi gunesli olurdu. golgeler gelip de biraz usumeye basladigimizda kurabiyeler hatta belki de haslanmis misirlar ortaya cikar, havlulara sarinilip istahla bunlar yenilirdi. en sonunda yine babamin toparlama cabalariyla, havuzla vedalasilir, varsa ic camasirlari ve uzerine sortlar, askililar giyilir, yorgun argin arabaya binilir, evimizin havuz suyundan sonra tuhaf gelen ama sacimizdaki kireci aldigi icin iyi de gelen dusuna girilirdi. dokusunu hala hissettigim o beyaz kirec duvarlar ve demir kapi, bir dahaki 'aile havuzuna gidelim mi' onerisine kadar baska aileleri icine alip havuz ogleden sonralari gecirtirdi.

not

dogru, az yaziyorum. bugunlerde palette'lerimle ve fotograflarimla daha cok ilgiliyim. belki de daha gorsel bir donemimdeyim. yazmaya gerek duymuyorum/zaman da bulamiyorum. simdilik boyle. sonrasi allah kerim.

Phoebe:

"Money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with." (foxy smile and flirty attitude)

Reddish shades

Fethiye

Save the last dance

Cold cut

Sentimental mood

Hope

nowadays

on facebook, everyone seems to have made it to the cover of their own magazine.

elevation

i have to write down how i'm feeling today. it's incredible. i feel very serious, like i mean business but i'm not dull, i have energy that lasted all day. i don't need anything else to complete my joyous state of mind. the here and now is good enough, it's very good. i look in the mirror and see there is a light in my eyes. i didn't sleep well last night but i don't feel the lack of sleep at all. i go through my tasks like they are the easiest things to do, i talk to the silliest people without hesitation and without that sense of stranglement. it's interesting but it's not. when you think about jupiter and my sun together and the sun in sextile with both, it's not interesting at all. but it's rare, and i wrote it down so i can go back and read it on my low-energy days. i wish i could be this way- wish i could be this person 24/7.

my new palette

thoughts

- yes, i thought it through.
- yes, i'm hundred per cent sure.
- i think this is absolutely for the best.

is it? you don't know. the signs point in the general direction of something positive but are they real, actual signs, or are they dreams, schemes and promises for the most part? you didn't look that closely. or you're so deep within that you didn't look from the outside. because you can't afford to. because you're in love.
you wish that was enough in and of itself.
you think maybe it is.

zoom in zoom out

winter

$

kirmizi hirka istiyorum diyordum kizlara. sonra dolarin ne kadar dustugunu farkettim. ben daha kirmizi hirka istiyim. zaten yakinda bi lokma bi hirka olucam.
fesupanallah.

i took the train today. and yesterday. i don't know, i had a feeling about it when i was on it, but i forgot now. it's just weird to see all those houses, that people live in, that people live in with the reality of trains passing by every day god knows how many times, and now i figure it's this creepy feeling those houses gave me.
and i'm spending a lot of time in this place that's familiar but not mine. and it's okay. i guess.

my morning run was great. i ran through the streets of etiler, for the first time. the weather was great and i saw a few dogs around but they weren't interested in me. i pulled down my hood when i was running by the dogs though, still, because i didn't want them to see me as a weird person, since those are the ones they attack.

keyif

filled

empty

fethiye harbour

Taken

taking

underwater

as i love to be.

wonderwall

glitter

Douglas on the rocks

a day on the water

the cartoony doug

my city

me and the blue sea

cutie

detail

love

joy

glued together

i want to

i want to knit.
i want to write.
i want to always feel like i feel right now,
that life is in my control,
that i am in control of my life and my life is treating me well.
check out my color combinations at www.colorlovers.com
though i'm not sure how you can do that.
but i go by the name sagiti on that website.
alright forget it, just click on the subject of this post.

you thought i'd never come back, didn't ya?

today

thrown away yesterday
today is a brand new day

take a new breath and keep
walking everything is interconnected
you owe the cocteau twins playing in your ear to car cemetery and just as you are listening going with that
you may run into your red-head car cemetery friend
you're convinced once more that everything is good.

LILITH IN VIRGO blurs the objectivity and lets you express criticism at wrong places perhaps. You simply don't want to commit yourself, are very orientationless regarding occupation and partnership. Other people may get confused by you, because this confusive position produces paradoxes in almost all areas of life. You perhaps tend hopelessly between commitment and autonomy urge, between social contacts and retreat. On the other hand, psychological and analytic abilities are almost unsurpassably strong, and your intuition beats everything. Unfortunately the possibility exists that you are not conscious about your abilities, or that you don't want to admit them.

LILITH IN THE 2nd HOUSE directs efforts on hedonistic activities and the acquisition of property. Quickly you succumb to material temptations, and you accumulate properties. You probably don't recognize the problems coming along with that, or you don't want to admit them at all, you don't react, but look for harmony and have a sense of art. Perhaps you regret it soon, if you commit yourself in a partnership, especially if you went into financial dependence.

yaz

hadi bakalim.

his message was brutal
but the delivery was kind

my new niece

my michael kors joke

do i smell good? 'Kors i do!
(lol)

i love the sun's blinding glow on the sea

you shrug and it's the worst
to truly stuck the knife in first

i kinda like that
i wanna tap that

you were so busy doing what you were doing
that it didn't matter what i did
how silly of me to think
one day it would
when it only would if i was Barbie doll
kissing a Ken from your world
-sorry not kissing, holding hands should be enough at this point-

"I'm impatient. I move fast and love things done now. I have a dream and wish it
came true last weekend. I get an idea and want it realized tomorrow. But life's
not like that, is it? So, through my inner work, I've learned to slow down (a
little). Because Good Things Take Time.
We live in a world that adores speed.
But the nature of business and life is more organic. A gorgeous wine takes time
to mature. A precious garden takes time to bloom. A breathtaking mountain needed
time to form. And - great businesses and world-class lives are not created in a
day. It's more about evolution than revolution. Those small daily improvements
that, over time, lead to stunning results. It's the small steps that matter
most.
So today, I invite you to be patient. Focus more on consistent and
steady improvements in the way you work and in the way you live. Slow and steady
does win the race."

-Robin Sharma

yaz

mevsimden midir, eve gelirken biber, patlican, patates kizarmalari ve uzerinde sarmisakli yogurtlar dusundum, ki patlicanla biberleri yemezdim aslinda. evlerin isiklarina bakip onlarin da anneleri simdi oldukca duru bir tarhana corbasi pisirmis midir ve butun evi kokular sarmis midir, hatta arka kapidan giriliyorsa sokaktan da duyuluyor mudur diye merak ettim. sonra eve geldim, -hayatimda ilk defa- kavun keserken babamin kavun kesme stiliyle kendimi karsilastirip yetersiz buldum. ispanak koklerini yarina kadar beklemek uzere limon-sarimsak-zeytinyagi sosuna yatirdim. su anda tek gercek gecmis bu lezzetlerin, kokularin, uzunlugu ayarlanabilen lambanin altinda bagdas kurarak yedigim aksam yemeklerinin gecmisi gibi geliyor, ne tuhaf. oysa ki indirimdeki giysiler gibi, gecmis sinifina giren her sey uzunca bir sure ozlenirdi, sonra da dusunmek bile pek aklima gelmezdi; malum, yeni sezon.
simdi ise bir kase uzum ve bir kutu yogurt ile oturmus bunlari yaziyorum cunku kendime yemek hazirlamaya usendim ama birkac dakika sonra baskasina yemek hazirlamaya usenmeyecegim. eve yururken artik ne kadar daha korkaklastigimi dusundum, evin icindeki tikirtidan bile nasil irkildigimi, halbuki guvende hissetmem gerekmez miydi, sonra anladim ki bu da kendine ait minicik bir ailen olmasiyla ve bunun sana -ruhuna- vaat ettigi gelecekle ilgili; birden koruyacak ve sakinacak ne kadar cok seyim var, otuz yil sonra bir kizin bir yaz aksaminda isten eve giderken dusunup geri gelmeyecek seylere duyulan ozlemle hatirlayacagi seyler. umarim oyledir.