yine ben
ya da
niye ben

to senik

still not having forgotten the coolness of that basement floor and how those profiterols tasted, 9 years later, i'm watching you turn 26 like i did some 2 months ago, looking forward to tonight's party that will maybe remind me of the miniskirt-mixedtape-i-like-alper-soandso-likes-me parties of those days, wishing you a happy birthday and trying to come up with a good idea to make you smile. i mean apart from this:)

did you see the world did you see who's out there will you look further will you look back did you ever?

Can you help me discover more music that I'll like?

Check out pandora.com. It's interesting and helpful. Sami recommended it to me. And him you can find at his music store, Groove, at Reasurans passage.

new york

in my dream i was in new york. i was on this roof terrace, really cool, beautiful terrace, and i was running from one side to the other, taking in the sight of all the other skyscrapers that surrounded us. the sky and the lights were spectacular, and i was so peaceful, so content that i was finally there.

kar

karla ilgili dunyanin goruntusunu birlestiren bir sey var. normalde ayri ayri algiladigimiz ev, sokak gibi seyler kar altinda bir gorunuyor, hepsi ayni seyin bir parcasi gibi.

sonra bir de yillar oncesinden bir 1 ocak gunu var. bir pazar gunu nedense karla kapli bir denizlide evden cikip ozel derse gittigim ve yolda hayatimi dusundugum. acaba ne dusunmustum? insan 17 yasinda hayati hakkinda ne dusunur mesela?

here comes the blizzard

the long-expected, hazardous one. the escapade of the winter. to me it's more like an excitement; a break from daily routine.

Case Study: Business Barbie and Effects on Infants

I had a Barbie doll when I was little, and it was a Business Barbie, meaning it had a suede pink suit jacket and a skirt, even a fileholder with pink on white business cards on it- autographed Barbie. And then at night, Barbie would take off the suit jacket, leaving bare the sequined hot pink tank top in it, to go to a party or something. Back then, the way I saw a businesswoman was pretty much shaped by the way my Barbie doll dressed and acted. I grew up picturing myself walking through corridors wearing business suits, but I never imagined the rest, that is, where the corridor would be leading me. Now I'm 26, I studied Business in a very respectable university, and I still cannot picture where the corridor is leading me, much less wear pink suede suit jackets.

fragments

"measuring a summer's day"

and Chet Baker says, "Everything happens to me." I echo.


i wonder why i take it so physically


The only real part of the game is the end, where i lose.


Superdorm, the year of obsessing over Baris, the line-up of each and every object, everything in its place

i have only me to mend a broken heart

for the tissue to heal, the body part to grow back in


curl up into someone's body


today, i didn't expect a heartbreak

which would be at the Kennedy Lodge

marries her safest bet and lives boringly ever after


bildigimi dusundugum zaman gidiyor. geri geldigi zaman oyle dusunmuyor oluyorum.


is it a feeling or is it a hormone, body juice, a mindset, a certain state?


maybe not in a bad way, maybe not in a way i can't mend or time can't mend


felt like the lost piece of a puzzle finally found


being sad can't be too bad if there's such a beautiful song about it?


Epsilon Sigma Pi


in order of disappearance


her body was probably not a wonderland


it's actually how i feel as opposed to being merely an ice-breaker


seviyorum kendilerini


"i'm just a shot away from you"


asik olurmusum ve daha da asik olurmusum gibi


yolculugu severim belki o yuzden


But at least i know my mistakes in this one and that i might have deserved some of it, that some of it is consequences -- whereas when you jump into something instantly intense, you keep wondering what the hell you've done wrong to suffer all the aching.


herkesi unuttum ve kimseyi hatirlamiyorum


it will be a short term memory type of thing


a smile and an easy breath


natural, is the word


thankful for all my senses, seeing the sky, feeling the cold, remembering how we walked those streets wanting to be somewhere else instead.


perfectionista olmayi ben de istemezdim ama


what do i really want?
(i want to be a part of it, New York, New York)


feels like he wants a piece of my soul and i am not able to give it

try to take a walk and the shore will be really windy. stay home and clean but you know you could have been travelling with a good friend. yeah, the bug is inside you now.


love, an issue?


Başladığım ve bitirmediğim şeyler:


not like aching missing but remembering-and-smiling missing


daha bu sabah cocuklugunu dusunmustum -- dedemin bizi tanistirdigi gunu dusunmustum.


stingy bees in butterfly disguise


bana gunes sutu surerken babamin parmaklarinin kaburgalarimin uzerinden tikir tikir gecmesi, her seferinde, jaluziden asagi inen bir el gibi


Guzel bir ruzgar var. Uzaktayim. Aklim tam olarak oyle mi bilmiyorum ama vucudum oyle.


both lip-synching to Something Stupid


my dancing, jitterbug self


choose the funny approach


shelter, food, and people to travel with, people you love.


Bliss. Home. Breakfast. Coffee. Joy.


came home feeling like a left out kid


what his grown-up self looks like


Otherwise i'm just trying things on. taking risks and gambling with my life in a sense. i lose, but i win too.

*these are cut-outs from my recent journal.

almost perfect day

Almost Perfect Day means having coffee at the Kumquat and discovering cool jewelry in Ortakoy and going back to Yesim's for snacks and drinks; the terrace and us in sarongs, the breathtaking view of the Bosphorus under afternoon and evening ligthing, respectively.

to myself

i have an urge to run but i'm walking
and somebody said walk don't run

Headphones: A Draft

Sharing headphones is not an easy task.
You've got to want to listen to the same kind of music.
You've got to prefer the volume at the same certain level.
Your share of music coming through the headphones has to satisfy you; missing, at times, the lead vocals.
Your body movements have to be in tune. So that, when you're standing in the corner of the classroom and dancing to the Beatles, your half of the headphones should stay fixed in your ear while you make sure you're not pulling out your best friend's half.

My best friend through high school was Sena. I met her in primary school, when we both were 7. Primary school is the place that you think you have left far behind, but is so close that you fail to recognize. I always like to think I assembled my parts in high school, or changed my ways drastically in college years, but I'm wrong: I'm scared of arguing with women, because I subconsciously fear they are going to attack me or pull my ears. I'll sing in front of so many people and yet no one will understand how nervous I am. Life without Sena is just not right. It's basically primary school.
I'm scared of arguing with women, because our primary school teacher was this middle-aged, disciplinary-minded lady, who pulled our ears and gave us looks like lightnings flashing in our brains. Even my dad had his share of her dress-downs. She had never been married.
The singing in front of so many people and not looking nervous comes from primary school as well, as every music class I had assumed the duty of going up and performing songs selected from national charts and world charts, oldies and Eurovision pieces.
Sena and I were like two sticks walking around, usually bent with incessant laughter.

this lady stands right next to my refrigerator, and i see her every morning and every evening, always so embedded in thoughts. the painter is sena basoz, my lifelong friend. 

kirik

Bir insan gittigi zaman hep onunla ilgili kücük anilari düsünürüm. kücük, komik anlari. ve onlar birden kücük, kirik anlar olurlar. hepsinin biraraya toplamaya calisirim. bazen teker teker, bazen üstüste gözümün önünden geciririm. sonra da ya gülümserim, ya da gözlerim dolar. sonra birakirim, kalir öyle.

ben harper

time to ask for ben's help to put it into black and white:
yes indeed i'm alone again

well there's the rest of the song as well but i don't know how that applies to me, as i don't know how i feel, nor what to say.
but it goes like,
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate i can't find in between
cos i've been with witches and i've been with a queen

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day-
seems like the right thing to say.

yesim

she came on the 21st and we first met on friday at the modern art museum (sorry i was unmistakably late). the view was spectacular that day when we were having lunch. i still can't get over the color of the sky. we shared a creme brulee which was really nice. the artworks were notable too. i loved what Louise Bourgeois did with those vintage-looking fabrics, understandable, considering how much time i spend with fabrics. and Ghada Amer: she made me realize what i had forgotten; how art can get through to that secret little crevice in you and drop a bomb of colors and threads and images.
saturday night we were at taps, we met harvey, they drank beer, we danced a little. sunday was karin's christmas brunch and yesim came with me. karin provided an awful lot of food, which we consumed in a wintery feeling of indulgence and happiness.
wednesday night we went to derin's parents' christmas party (yeah the oreo truffles). thursday we met at bebek, had breakfast and headed for markiz for tea and cake (my apple pie was not that significant but her chocolate cake melted into perfection). thursday night she packed and we watched her pack, and we also went through lots of almonds, chocolate, diet coke and cookies. so much for consumption though.
so this trip was satisfactory in terms of spending quality time together and getting things done (if gaining weight has ever been a to-do list item). i can even go ahead and say it was as good as our ankara and ayvalik trips. except that i haven't really travelled -but small distances covered within istanbul can be as fun sometimes. especially with someone with a foreigner's eye to point at the different and beautiful aspects of the city we usually take for granted, and also, with someone as nice and cool as yesim.