sorry i cried that day. the truth is, it's not a sad story. it's called closure. thanks for turning over the leaf.

"since i've been loving you"

superdorm
marji's room
blue fluorescent lights and the dull dzzzzz sound they make, the occasional moth crashing in
the economic theory text i'm holding
summer air coming in through the wide open windows
so close to the ground we could jump out run away any minute, feeling as if
wonder what baris and gokce are up to
marji
pelin

elif apartmani
pel's living room
three legged lamp, nice light, no sound, no moth
no compulsory text
summer air coming in through the half open window
so close to the surface i could get out and breathe, feeling as if
wonder what everyone's up to
it's only just me.

miss you loads

luz

Because of its husk, the almond is generally taken to symbolize the substance hidden within its accidents; spirituality masked by dogma and ritual; reality concealed by outward appearance; and, according to the secret doctrine, the eternally hidden Truth, Treasure and Fountain.
The Hebrew word for almond, Luz (also Spanish word for light), expresses perfectly this idea of something hidden, enclosed, inviolable. The same word is also the name of an underground city and that of the indestructible kernel of being which carries within itseld the seeds of its own ressurection. This, in short, is "the nut of immortality".

obsession

latest gig

where i call home, for now. 

a darker version of the one below.  

bebek'te, suda bir hareket vardi ve rengi cok guzeldi 

other people's sheets

they're different. they smell different. they alienate you rightaway. but some have a more hospitable feel. some have welcoming texture. some smell familiar. these are usually friends' sheets.
but all of them let you know that you are not to wake up at home.

experimental writing

locus novus cok guzelmis bidi ya

ben de amerika'ya gidip edebiyat okuyunca boyle sitelerde bisiler yazar miyim dersin :)

where i belong

Shine
You're fine
See I will always have a smile for you my love
And still
We will
Be ok and along the way
we'll learn a thing or two
So don't treat me bad just be glad
I am strong
I know where I belong
And soon you will see we are blessed and complete
There's a place here for you with me

Leonard, you cannot find peace by avoiding life.

Farewells are confrontations with your past, your present, your future. You look them right in the eye and say, Look, I have to move on. This chapter is over and the page is begging to be turned over. So you guys better help me or we'll all get lost somewhere between the pages.
These days I'm facing three corners and three sides of this triangle. What did I do in the past that brought me to this point? Why does the past shine so brightly? Am I satisfied with what I've done? Who are the people I'm leaving behind? Who are the ones I'm taking with me?
The past is the longest side of the triangle.
The future is the darkest corner.
The present always contains a perspective of what we bring from the past and what we project to the future. I always have an idea of what the future will be like, even though slight, blurry. Goodbyes shake that picture to the floor. Cross people out, leave bare the canvas. I get scared the canvas will look like that forever. Wrong answer. The picture is bound to change and the present is the only side of the triangle that gives us the opportunity of comprehending that.
Dear Leonard,
To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it, for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years, always the love, always...the hours...*

*virginia woolf, the hours

Vexed again, perplexed again
Thank god, I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am i?

how many hearts?

once more,

for real.

leaving istanbul

i have to say so many goodbyes. although "it's not goodbye, it's see you later", when is that "later" and what is the equivalent of waking up to a spring sunday to walk down to bebek through the school heading towards the sea? what is the equivalent of the blue that changes its color every day? i have yet to find the answers. but i'm out searching.
instead of waiting.

i quit my job and my furniture is for sale.
my challenge is to part with the objects i accumulated through the years. (objects that help you define yourself)
maybe the space that opens up i can fill with knowledge and brand new experiences.
see the thing is,
i'm at a point in my life where i need to focus on something, and i have been searching for that focus for a while. and it was right inside of me, beside me, behind me. all these years.

saturday diil bu sefer, sunday.

dun bizim mezunlar gunumuz vardi. homecoming'06. gordum birsuru tanidik ama yine de bekledigim kadar yoklardi, nerdelerdi? merak ettim. her mezunlar gununde oldugu gibi ortalarda gezindik, ayni yerlerde saatlerce ayakta durup onumuzden gecen insanlari izledik ve yorumlar yaptik, arada bir de 'naber?? iyi senden naber? iyilik valla ayni hersey' gibisinden konusmalar oldu. aksamustu de yokus asagi, bebek, susam, eylem, starbucks, deniz dibi masa (sheer luck), yokus yukari, suatla tekrar karsilasma, avniyle tanisma, fatih erkoc konserine kalma, fatih erkoc'un muzikal kapasitesine hayran kalma gibi seyler oldu. asil komedi ondan sonra basladi ama. aklimda komedi olarak kalmis cunku cok gulduk ama aslinda ondan fazlasi da vardi. insan hayatinda kac kez kennedy lodge'da oturup dolunaya ve denize bakarak sarki soyler ve dinleyecek ve birlikte soyleyecek birilerini bulur? zor seyler bunlar. hemen oluveren, ama olana kadar da ileri derecede spontanite ve aciklik gerektiren.
'hanfendi ben gubreye bakiyorum'
komikmis, cidden.

don't phunk with my heart

we had a blast at the black eyed peas concert. i daresay i wasn't expecting it to be so good. the show was unbelievable. it's probably one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences.
but that garbage concert, summer of 99, park orman. nothing, yes, nothing will ever compare to that.
i've actually been to some really good concerts in the past 8 years that i lived here- two jethro tull gigs that were very special, patti smith, ben harper, marcus miller, garbage twice, joan baez, jane birkin, benny golson, diana krall, or maybe more, i don't quite recall all, though i tend to keep the tickets, they must be somewhere in my room. it's a habit left from life in denizli. i used to keep each and every concert and play ticket, first of all because every performance gave me a wave of euphoria and ecstacy, and then again, art wasn't so easy to find. when my parents took me to see evita the musical in istanbul, i couldn't get over it for like a year. seems funny now.
i've actually given some good performances myself, too. maybe it's hard to believe that i've been on the very stage the black eyed peas performed, but it's true. i've come a long way. and have so much more to go. see if i can do the same in the city that never sleeps.

g.i.g

i wore a black vintage-look dress.

ozgur was so cute, and so was kursat. i love them so much, they made me feel so good about everything before and after the gig. we are a team now. just when i'm ready to go, i feel i belong somewhere. i guess that's the way of things here, i.e, life.

some songs we liked doing and did well:
smooth operator (it felt like an unplugged version of sade's, very cool)
come rain or come shine (bluesy, soo delicious)
almost blue (i almost cried, seriously)
angel eyes (always)
devil may care (i gave it a tad bit of melancholic flavor, i liked it)
spooky (fun-ky)

i was tense. in spite of the crowd who was there to really listen to me, at "my jubilee" as we called it. you gotta leave it at a height.

i ended up taking a cab back home on my own at 2 a.m. the measure of just how lonely i am in this city.

so much is happening.
not easy to write it all down.
but i will,
soon.

my gig is tomorrow night.

we're the x-men

we have mutant genes that set us apart from the rest. we have unusual powers that we have not quite yet figured how to use. powers that we misuse. and when put to real use, in time of need, powers that might take up the world.