i'm not over you

daddy,
what does it mean to get over you anyway?


i thought it meant never being able to love a stranger as intensely as i love you, that no man would replace you.
but love is also a heartbreak, a heartache. when it comes to real life, "the ties that bind" may hurt sometimes. when it's your dad and he's a decided, rational, stubborn man. when you have an independent soul, wanting to get away, wanting to stay and be loved, wanting nothing in between.

and i have always wondered what the big deal is with posing another electra challenge. why not? my dad is a great guy and he has given me more than anyone else has, so it's only natural that i should have him where he is, hence the throne.

until last night it suddenly occured to me.
"not getting over dad" equally means never handing over the reins, the power, your heart, your confidence- to one person and one person only.
no one will break your heart like that again.
no one will have that much power over you again.
the ties that bind will never be that strong again.
this is what it means.

it means avoiding real situations. deliberately setting up scenes where i can walk away when i feel cornered.
something that doesn't happen with your dad.
but what if i give in and feel for real, take on real responsibilities and suffer real heartbreaks? daddy i'm not getting over you because i'm scared witless of losing power over my life again, being dependent once more. addiction to love being the worst of all of the above.

no use saying "then don't be". sooner or later i'm going to have to get over you. let my heart break in the same way, acquire new ties to bind. then maybe things will be different. maybe a grown-up woman will handle power struggles better than a teenager did. wish me luck daddy.

-and i don't mean that you wanted to, life requires that we hurt loved ones sometimes-