finding nemo

while risking exposing a weakness, i think it's interesting that i had written the same kind of lament a few times, upon different disappointments. the search for love can be draining. below paragraphs contain despair, but i believe, by sharing the desperation, i acknowledge having left all behind.

"there are no words to describe how tired i am of being illusioned and disillusioned my men, by the promise of love, my my own imagination. i'm only human. i have needs. i want to love somebody and be loved in return. i am willing to compromise. i am 'hot jazz singer who's graduated from the best school in turkey'*. i'm looking for 'someone of the gentle kind'. i am fun. but i'm not having fun."
*derin said this, not me

"since i'm 13 i'm trying to love someone. and be loved in return. i'm 25. and i'm tired. i may act like i have energy left to spend on love affairs, but i don't. sometimes i stop and think for a moment, look in the mirror and ask myself if i can really go on doing this. and as much as i still want to love and be loved, something inside me says, you're tired, you can't pull it off this time, you can't afford it, go back to your room."

"i just want to be loved and i don't want to have to drink coffees, go to bars, wait for messages, be strategic or indifferent, cool or poised in search of this. i don't want toings and froings. i just want to be loved."

but then again, from where i stand, it's easy for me to say.


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