Showing posts from 2005

sunlight in the balcony

i like to be surrounded by colors
i like seeing them when i look around
i like sitting in the sunlight
and looking at my pale reflection in the window
i like having soft hands
i like calling an old friend just to hear
that the same night as my gig, she was listening to patti smith in new york
smiling, thinking of me
i like the memory of a summer night in 1999
my excitement and melting at hearing the first notes of 'because the night'
i like that old crushes are over
that there is no life in the past when it comes to love
but i like to have mental pictures of it
nice, colored, airbrushed snapshots of past encounters
i like possessing the words to express it when i have something to say
today i have them, i feel.
happy newyear!

this morning i woke up and thought

i miss driving in fethiye. the sea would be right beside me while i drove what seemed to me to be the smoothest of cars. the sudden sight of the city would always, always surprise me. the sea breeze would come in through the open windows, giving me a sense of freedom i believe few things in life will ever be able to provide. there would always be a good, fun summer song on the radio, i would hear my voice, i would see my suntanned arm on the wheel. now it's one of those things that are so simple, but so far out of reach and unattainable at the same time. say i did get a car, a smooth car, and drove through fethiye again, will i ever be able to go home to our summer house with all its original contents in it?

i know why i didn't call:

he didn't
a finger

coming soon

is my critique regarding Paulo Coelho's book The Alchemist -just got around to reading it, it's quite good-, just wait a little longer.
Oh and, of course, quotes from the book- also coming soon.
the picture of how badly i want to leave sometimes and what would ideally happen if i did


Love is a very peculiar thing. A moment hits, and perhaps out of an inner decision, you love a person. Right now it seems like i'm not able to love anything. And i know it's not true.
It's funny how familiar Sena is, after getting to know all those people i never chose to meet in the first place. She feels like home and she is home. You never realize the difference when you're hanging out with whoever comes along, and when you hug her and put your head on her shoulder, you realize how long you've been away and how much you missed her. But you can't keep the moment forever and it passes, and you adjust, and life's all about adjusting. Thank God we don't always remember what the real thing felt like.



i'm crossing you in style - someday
oh dreammaker
you heartbreaker
where ever you're going
i'm going your way


It seems then that men and women are equally at fault. It seems that a profound, impartial, and absolutely just opinion of our fellow-creatures is utterly unknown. Either we are men, or we are women. Either we are cold, or we are sentimental. Either we are young, or growing old. In any case life is but a procession of shadows, and God knows why it is that we embrace them so eagerly, and see them depart with such anguish, being shadows. And why, if this—and much more than this is true, why are we yet surprised in the window corner by a sudden vision that the young man in the chair is of all things in the world the most real, the most solid, the best known to us—why indeed? For the moment after we know nothing about him.
Such is the manner of our seeing. Such the conditions of our love.

-virginia woolf

people walk past me

when i'm in love, i feel like the object of my affection walks right through me. and that's how it hurts. suddenly you're not solid. but granular, transparent, loose.
i know by now that i am in command of my life and my actions, and like i fancy expressing it, i'm the lead actress in my own drama. it's a useful bit of information, and it empowers me to a certain extent, while at the same time drawing this dividing line between me and all the others. knowing this encircles me and leaves every other person on the outside of this circle, and defines the realm outside of me. and when you come terms with the fact that you don't have the same control over the will and actions of others, you don't go around trying to bend others' will, thinking you can, wondering why you can't, running into the same glass door everytime. it avoids a lot of effort that goes to waste. i would advise the same to everybody.


I would say that what people really mean by happiness is unlimited consumption. We are a society of consumers. I think if you ask people what their concept of Heaven is, they would say, that it is a big department store with new things every week, all the money to buy them. Actually we are the eternal suckling, the eternal baby who wants the bottle.Happiness should be not an aim in itself but something that accompanies intense relatedness to many things - to man, to nature - a relatedness that does not exclude deep sadness, because one cannot remain sensitive and responsive to the world without often being deeply sad.

-Erich Fromm

birthday pick



there is usually a backdrop in my mind as i go through everyday motions.

i will be doing something completely different, like talking to a client or listening to a lecture or shopping, and even without me realizing it, my brain will be displaying a frozen picture. sometimes i try to ignore it but it doesn't really work, and i like certain forms of distraction, so i drop my current concentration on the outside and turn inwards, look at what my mind is presenting me. what i'd like to do here is to honor these backdrops, the recurring ones. to be updated.

-oludeniz, hotel meri, where the swings once were
-a certain classroom we had when we first came back early from vacation in summer '97
-hisarustu in general
-the pansiyon we stayed in ayvalik, the picture of the stairs as you step in


i try not to be so negative about it, but experience has showed me that, i don't like mondays. all i usually want to do is to get home and stay home until after tuesday's breakfast. today's an ok one. i still wanna get home, but all in good time. Work awaits.

come sunday

tomorrow is a sunday. i'll wake up late and unrested, will walk barefeet in the house taking in the day and the warmth of my flat. maybe i'll walk to paul, return with their undescribable special wheat bread and get the sunday paper on the way back too. we'll have breakfast, my sister and myself. eggs, tomatoes, olive oil, cheese, tea for her, coffee for me, almonds, and honey will be the pillars of this extended sunday bliss. i'll check out the astrology article in milliyet, probably only that. we'll go down to bebek for a walk, i wanna take a long walk. we'll come home. maybe i'll cook. maybe we'll go to see our grandparents, or maybe we'll procrastinate. i'll do yoga. we'll hang around. barefeet. that's how Sunday looks from where i sit here and now.

december 7

is, in the end, a day like all the others. it is meant to pass, by nature. and i showed no attempts to capture it, really. but i loved it. loved the pancake breakfast in deni's dining room washed in daylight, loved the presents, the walk on the shore and the sunlight on the surface of the sea, loved my clearminded mood, the mosque, the prayer, loved gamze and myself having birthday cakes, indulging, cukurcuma and getting the only affordable antiques in the antique store, harvey, sofyali, the longing, the wine, the mezes, the treat, the kiss, the beer, denwood, taps, baileys, the surprise birthday cake with one single candle that i blew that put a perfect end to it all: couldn't have captured, even if i wanted to, but i want to remember the light of it shining coming towards me out of the blue.


is a trade mark i haven't registered yet.

reasons to be happy

-my birthday is coming up (7th, buddies, get your stuff together)
-my concert went well, i still love to sing
-still haven't gained winter weight (birthday cake danger still dangling ahead though)
-there's harvey
-i have a place to live that i love
-everyone in my closest family circle is alive


i used to know this boy called matt. i had met him on a trip to kalkan on our spring break, with four of my best friends. we were having the greatest time. he was such a sweet and nice person. i don't hear from him anymore. he lives in california. sometimes i think about him and sincerely thank him for the time we spent together, though brief. brief as in, a bus ride and cocktails and an early evening walk on the shore. i hope he's doing well.

so how did it go?

how the gig went? i want to say it was flawless and so much fun, but no gig is like that, so i have to revert to the truth. we had our shortcomings, we hadn't had so much time to rehearse, and considering that, it went well. especially the last few songs were really fun. i am beginning to be more and more confident and less and less self-conscious of my presence on the stage. i will post pictures as i gather them from around. for the time being, this should give an idea:


hi. tonight is my gig at nardis. i am hoping and praying that it will go well and everyone will like it, including us, the performers. i really like playing with this band 'cos they're all so laid back, so nice people, these guys. so anyway. i have this need to write down how excited i am about this. to the point of nervousness maybe. but once i'm up on the stage and singing, it'll be alright. keeping fingers crossed.
ps. my outfit rocks.

user's manual

if there was a manual as to how to operate me, i think that would include a few things:

1- U2 album, Achtung Baby
2- Calikusu, Resat Nuri Guntekin
3- High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
4- any healthy-living guide
5- interviews with certain people, including my sister, sena, eylem, eytan, zeren, baris.

that should be enough though.
always indifferent towards the appropriate. attracted to the difficult, the better-off-without. but it feels right in some inexplicable way. the things people say whizz by in general directions. i want them to whizz off. and my mind is successfully distracted. i like that.

inside and out

Baby, I can't figure it out Your kisses taste like candy Sweet lies don't gimme no rise Oh, what you're trying to do Livin' on your cheatin' and the pain grows inside me It's enough to leave me crying in the rain Love you forever but you're driving me insaneAnd I'm hanging on Oh, oh, oh, oh I'll win, I'll never give in Our love has got the powerToo many lovers in one lifetime Ain't good for youYou treat me like a vision in the night Someone there to stand behind you When your world ain't working right I ain't no vision,I'm the girl who loves you inside and out Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out I love no other way What are we gonna do if we lose that fire? Wrap myself up and take me home again Too many heartaches in my lifetime ain't good for meI figure it's the love that keeps you warmLet this moment be forever We won't ever feel the storm I ain't no vision, I'm the girl Who loves you inside and…


-italian cake.
-yaprak kitabevi, this bookstore that used to have the best cafe that has ever been. smell of coffee and tea and warmth of the inside. music, always the best. friends, great ones. adolescense. -sena's mom. the apartment they used to live in. overeating while studying. music.
-me. the taste of tiramisu, different each day after. coming home from school. a summer's day, somebody's birthday. my family. how my uncle loves it.
-chocolate offered today. the taste and intensity.
-28/02/06 sitting on my couch, right in the middle, with turkish coffee on the side, suddenly feeling so much better.
how come it's just a cake?

it's official

winter's here. i got sick. now it's official that winter's here and is not leaving for a loong long time. that's a really frustrating thought sometimes.

all i want

if all i want is a sunday afternoon, pool, friends, table tennis and laughing away, why am i making everything so complicated?

dreaming california

california dreamin' playin' on the radio. reminds me of the days i played it for the superdorm crew. then again reminds me of the days i played it for my high school classmates. it's such a sad song. back then i didn't really know why it sounded so sad. now i know. sometimes you just want to go to a warmer place and you can't, and it just hurts so much and life is full of moments like that.


shivaree is back with a song called I Close My Eyes. Mm. Yummy. Judging by the aftertaste of Goodnight Moon and John, looks like it's going to last for a while. Can't wait to go home and download.

summer of '05

sup with the playstation supsen naber ya?pepeler opsun senipepegoguksuretiylefethiye tekne gezisipuf diyen gunes ve dedemi guldurmek the o.c, season 2 -- i made an error in judgementbaliklama atlamayi ogrendimilkerlerde parti no.1 and 2ardic

my favorite animals (when asked)

birds ('cos they are innocent and sweet) (how i see myself?)
penguins ('cos they live in their own world and they're different) (how others see me?)
squirrels ('cos they're also innocent and they mind their own business) (how i see/would like to see my partner?)
i found this picture somewhere on the internet, and i would like to apologize for copyrights violation, i can't help but post it -- so soothing and familiar. somewhere in mediterranean turkey.
yes, it's a cup of coffee that's making me so sad.
hello, i'm in nardis, i'm having a good time with my fellow jazz musicians who are skillfully cropped out of this picture.


there's this girl and she's working in a mansion, and her job is to wait for a guest that is supposed to arrive someday, but she is not told when or who the guest is. all she has to do is to keep the mansion ready for this guest that will one day undecidedly arrive. the story is about her thoughts, dreams, fantasies about the guest, about the nature of waiting, about the mansion and how perfect it is. she has everything in there but she's alone. she has no one to talk to, so she's talking to herself all the time.

today i go back

to istanbul.
i don't know what's waiting for me.
probably my life.
(that i put on hold for over a week)