otomatik pilota baglayanlar icin

"sorun su ki ben herhangi biri degilim ve olamam."

my heart in my mouth

i wish feelings -my feelings to be more specific-
were less manifold
it took me a while to comprehend
that there is not one big single feeling
we should be looking for.
life is in lived in the plural
and you contain so many feelings
for so many people that sometimes
you get tired and
might want to give away your heart
for cheap, for free
but then you awake
i hope so, before too long,
and figure out
that hearts are meant to contain a lot
that's what they're beating for.

every day stealing time

so let go

this morning i was awaken by the sound of the alarm, a weekday classic. i tried to open my eyes and couldn't, so i went back to sleep in full trust that my alarm will go off again, 10 if not in 5 mins. all at the same time, i kept wondering if the sounds from the street have always been this loud, or did i sleep with my window open? as a matter of fact, yes.
so i kept silencing the alarm, and started to make calculations in my mind, like, what if i don't have breakfast today? it's the same old cheese and tomatoes anyway. no though, that would make things even harder. i should probably get up soon and eat less and be fast. no eggs. some bread and olive oil.
it's difficult to nurse a hangover. especially if it's your first hangover since forever.
what is it with last night's drinking? why such a good taste in my mouth? -though still desperate to go home and sleep-
i remember looking at,
2 bottles of wine
2 candles placed by two sides of the bottles, many on the side table
the bridge, ever-flowing cars,
the lights, the bosphorus,
some beautiful eyes, a beautiful greek girl, relaxed faces.
there was music, lots of it. there was singing.
oh and, the nargile, and generally inhaling everything that could possibly be inhaled.
"no malakas", though.
the small balcony-the old timber house-the pierre frey cushions
true, there are other things in life. but not many are this inspiring.

lots of light

was my wish. right now my room is full of light. and smells of synthetic spring since i just cleaned it. playing with water in the sunlight. memory rush, still a child, taking a sunbathe rehersal on the balcony before oludeniz. living in a memory, coldplay parachutes on the stereo, spring semester, college junior year. the year i can't forget, the room i still walk around with its vision before my eyes. what was so intense about that year? except my obsessive love for B., that is. maybe emily. maybe all the things we did with sinem and eytan. (bir gün sinemle odada ayaklarimizi sehpaya dayamis kanapede yanyana otururken ve erkeklerden bahsederken iceri koca bavulunu surukleyerek emily girmisti, biz once soke olup sonra hi deyip devam etmistik konusmamiza). maybe hanging out with baris ALL the time, all the time. consulate apartments, spectacular views. kevin. kemanci gigs. maybe the coldplay album that came with the spring.
that i listened through the summer.
the present:
life in fast pace, highway, multiple lanes. very nice people. not-so-nice people. containing all may not be the key to a healthy state of mind (no not seeking medical advice) but seems to be the way until i regain control. and i'm starting to.
sing a song: still round midnight.

tonight i'm on my own

If I told you a secret
You won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and keep it alive
Cause it's burning a hole
And I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this lie
So look up Take it away Don't look da-da-da- down the mountain
If the world isn't turning Your heart won't return Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me don't leave me
Take me don't leave me
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you
Well I stand at the crossroads
Of highroads and lowroads
And I got a feeling it's right
If it's real what I'm feeling
There's no makebelieving
The sound of the wings of the flight of a dove
Take it away Don't look da-da-da down the mountain
If the world isn't turning Your heart won't return anyone anything anyhow
So take me don't leave me
Take me don't leave me
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you

check this out

interesting what business is up to.

http://sourtimes.org/show.asp?t=saros+korfezi

the best way out is always through

says who?
robert frost. i believe so too.

i was in saros for the long weekend, although we cut it a little short. it's not the best place to spend your hard-earned long weekend, this much i can say. the geography is banal. cannot compare in any way to the agean coastline where the scenery is so beautiful. i have two pleasant memories: we went to this fish restaurant for lunch, and i hope to never forget how the aubergine salad -olive oil makes all the difference-, and the ice-cream accompanying the 'cheese dessert' tasted; and, we rented a boat to go fishing, where i stared at the endlessness of the sea, the darkest tones of blue and the fading lights of the sun, read my book, wrote some stuff -which i was asked to read aloud later*- and then took my chances at fishing, which went exceptionally well. i left it at 7, because i was born on the 7th and it's the symbol of material and spiritual perfection. beginner's luck, it is called. there has to be a lucky ending too.

*are people out of their minds?

`It's too late to correct it,' said the Red Queen: `when you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.'
-Could somebody please take me to the consequences?

at meg's party, thinking hard, taking a break from dancing.

braille

maybe i'm blind. i'm probably blind. i don't see all the potential lying around.
i may be blind; but i don't want to live with people who are blind.
lived under my parents' nose for so many years, they still don't know who i am.
not gonna happen again.

sunday

bu haftasonunun neredeyse tamamı bogazici'nde gecti. cumartesi gecesi 3 gibi ayrilmistik belki kampusten, 12 saat sonra geri donduk. tas oda gruplarinin konserleri vardi- herhalde daha eglenceli bir sey olamaz benim icin. tuhaf bir sekilde sanki 1. siniftaymisim gibi hissettim bir sure, cimlerde top oynayan uzun duz sacli bir kizin Hilal oldugunu pekala dusunebilirdim mesela, yanımdan gecen bir tipin de Suz. ucurtmalar falan vardi. piknik yaptik. anlatilabilecek gibi degil aslinda, niye ugrasiyorum bilmiyorum.
setting rules for myself and then breaking them when i'm tempted enough: is what i do, is fun.
and for the record: i don't watch tv. i just don't see the point.

meg's

yet another great party. as if to say summer's begun. half the crowd hanging outside while we dance, drink, sing, laugh inside. i love being a jitterbug at every party (firefly, cicada if you will). i love meeting new people and treating them like my best friends. i love dancing. baby look at me and tell me what you see: you ain't seen the best of me yet.

take a look

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000AA4ML8/ref=br_m_nr_3/002-9090132-4539221?n=34&s=music&v=glance

more on traveling light

simplicity is, i believe, what we should aim in life. there is no sense in making things complicated. and even if sometimes life has a tendency to get entangled, within ourselves, we need always clear out an area of plain, easy being. so we can retreat to the island inside in time of need, even in the lack of "3 things you can take with you", be content.
one of the paths leading to that simplicity zone is traveling light, leaving things behind. if you can, there is nothing more beautiful than accepting the past is already under your skin, an extra texture or the lines in your face; you don't have to carry it around like it's something heavy. it's not a possession to take with you. the past is already in there. we need to stop putting it ahead of us like taking back past happiness is a reason to live. ma raison d'etre is building the confidence in me that if i had to, i could start all over right now, tomorrow, any day.

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you

for all we know

maybe it's your unhappiness that you're choosing over me.
it's only that we don't know.
maybe what drives us through life is that we have no clue.
we act out of ignorance.
maybe it's my unhappiness that i'm choosing when i choose you over other people.
in the name of love.
or maybe the dice hasn't been rolled yet. waiting, is all we do.
is all we know.

a day in the life of

Kapalicarsi is maybe the only place in Istanbul that makes me feel like i'm a tourist. Along with Sultanahmet area -the old peninsula-, it brings the feeling of leaving daily life & issues behind, it's me alone, i'm only wandering around. That's why i get so happy when i go there.
may 11 kapalicarsi, my qamze and i, we went there for an errand [first we had to find a certain place, and i realized how unbearable i find the rush and the act of searching, so i had to slow poor gamze down] but then we found ourselves checking out diamond rings [i went for my favorite kind again, the vintage look that reminds me of my grandmom and god knows what else], buying pashminas and fake bags, slurping turkish coffees at fes cafe [how can it be so good?], falling in love with designer jewellery. throwing out seeds at birds. making wishes. standing by the sea that is so blue. letting out the tourists in ourselves.

times like these, i'm travelling light, i say to myself.
we must travel light.

beadcastles

"ask olasi sadece olanakli degil sanki...olasilik rahatlatan bisey cunku korunmaya calismak gerekmiyor. olasilik olanaklilik oldugu noktada ben kabuguma gomulup kimsenin iceri girmesine izin vermiyorum.."
baby sophia says so. i agree for the most part. although i had to adjust my expectations out of love/being loved and now i find it easier to cope with the idea of being with someone. i know what i want. i even get it sometimes.
beadcastles- castles made of beads.
beads are see-through, colorful, shiny, round, small, they look beautiful on a string, holding a handful of beads is refreshing, when hung on a window the sunlight will seep through a beady prism, beads remind me of my teenage creativity, those summer days- beads are optimistic. castles are not. castles are prudent, inflexible. fortresses that surround, protect. built out of need. once built, not easily brought down.
beadcastles, my dear, you want to build castles around you but you want them to let colorful sunbeams in? and how tall? and how are you going to keep the tiny beads together, what if they topple over and scatter around?
i'm just asking you because i love your metaphor and i'm afraid i'm building beadcastles too. 26 years of my life behind, "too young to hold on, too old to just break free and run", have seen some dreams come true and given up on others, somedays i hide behind beads, somedays i watch them fall over and i break down. what's the way?

good morning heartache.

sudden rain

i love the weather. there's a darkness that's grey but a light that's almost yellow. rain falling down in a curtain, the kind that won't let you through. the world is a constant sound of splashing and thunder.
there's a sense of danger in the air. reminds me of adventure. i would have liked to be stuck in a/(the) room with a bosphorus view.

-nerdesin?
-cok uzaktayim.

transcendence

babylon'da balkan muzikleri esliginde koca koca adamlarla birlikte gobek attik, bir delikanli vardi danseden, onun yerinde olmayi cok istedim o kadar bütündü folklorikligiyle ve vücuduyla ve müzikle ve nesesiyle. kasap havasiyla halay cekerken -evet, babylon'da- de hissettim 'transcendence' duygusunu, ilerleyen saatlerde bazi anlarda da. sözlük anlamlari; üstüne çıkmak, faik olmak; geçmek, aşmak; üstün gelmek. ariyordum, ariyordum, sonra yarisma sarkilarimi - these foolish things, angel eyes, i put a spell on you- kaydedip babylon'a gittikten ve kasmayi birakip kendim olduktan sonra, flow'a karsi koymayi biraktiktan sonra, uzun zamandir aradigim birseyi buldum ve bulmus gibi bile davranmadim. devam ettim. there's no stopping the flow.

what of a morning
that brought the day so gently

fragpatrol

is my blog still scary?
have you been able to understand what it's all about?
did you listen to my cd?
wanna help me with a project that i just landed?

Sen de degilsin. O da degil


ama niye 6 yil sonra tekrar Yaz Gecer'i acip okursun ki?
gecen gün konusu gecti diye mi?

dimanche

su anda orasi o kadar guzel ki. yukari bakiyorsun ve icice gecmis yapraklar var, isigi gecirdikleri icin daha parlak bir yesil oluyorlar, agac gövdeleri islak gibi, daha koyu sanki normalden? günün isigi gri oldugu icin mi yesil bu kadar parlak acaba? hem sonra, yürürken ayni zamanda yukari bakarsan, üzerinden kayiyor bütün yapraklar ve yesiller ve kücük erguvan cicekleri ve mor salkimlar, ve bir filmde gibi hissediyorsun, ben pek film izlemem ama yine de öyle hissediyorum. her pazar, güney.
hem bu pazar, 90li yillara düstük birden, zaman tüneli diye bir sey gercekten icad edilmis gibi.
"ayrilmam sarilirim hayallere ayrilmam sevisirim ozleminle"
"bak simdi ne hale geldim yalnizliga hüküm giydim"
"her telefona sen cik her kapiya sen kos beni hatirla"
"hani issiz bir yoldan gecerken hani bir korku duyar ya insan"
"bir resmin kalmis bende tam ortadan yirtilmis hani siyah kazakli"
ve hatta,
"dorik dorik mogu mogu" (!)

bizim dolu, komik, mutlu, kendi dünyasinda, cilgin, "bi söyler bin gülerdik" gecmisimiz.
yani: sabahtan aksama cocuk olduk. lakin aksam büyümek lazim geldi. ama her halükarda, bir sükû(t-u hayal)net geldi üzerime.
History weaving itself.